Posted by
Arik on Monday, January 26, 2009 5:43:37 PM
Once again, the fascists at
PETA (which means People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, NOT, as I found out, People Enjoying Tasty Animals), have come up with a new scheme to help wreck the economy and turn the people of our nation into gibbering idiots. They have started a campaign to rename what we people with an IQ over room temperature call "Fish." Their are, as we know, many different species of fish, some big, some small, some tropical, some arctic, some poisonous, some really, really tasty. They want us all to adopt the term
"sea-kittens." I know, it sounds like a joke, and if you look at their website, it LOOKS like a joke, but these
Froot Loops are stone cold serious.
I, myself, fight for another cause. There is a group in our society that is regularly tortured, torn limb from limb, chopped into bits and sometimes boiled alive. These victims of our cruel society are unable to speak for themselves, are not even able to flee the culinary genocide befalling them under the kitchen knives of this nation. I am speaking, of course, of Veggie-Americans.
Vegetables have no one to fight for them, therefore, I must take up their cause. The cruel, heartless bastards at PETA are trying to perpetuate the botanical slaughter by turning us all into vegetarians, even our
pets. If you pick a tomato, does it not die? If you peel it, does it not bleed? Hell, yes, it does. Why should the Flora of our nation have different rights than the Fauna? Are we not all equal in God's eyes?
Prominent Biologist/Physicist/Cult Leader/Nutcase
L. Ron Hubbard has conclusively proven that that our gardens are full of living, breathing, FEELING organisms. To deny them their Inalienable Rights to Life, Liberty and The Pursuit of Happiness (at least as far as something rooted to the ground can pursue ANYTHING), is as Un-American as Apple Pie (shudder). Fermented Malt Beverages? I'd sooner drink Fermented Human Beverages, which is pretty gross, any way you look at it. Vegetarianism is an affront to the Almighty, almost as bad as atheism, except much more fruity.
What am I going to do? I'll tell you what I am going to do. I am going to picket Farmers' Markets nationwide. I'm going to boycott
Chrissie Hynde's restaurant. I am going to write letters to my Congresspeople, urging them to stop this senseless brutality. Most importantly, I am going to sing
protest songs. Every movement has to have protest songs. You can't have a good
cause without having a song to go with it, it's just not done. Where would the sixties have been if the people didn't have a song to hum? NOWHERE, that's where. So, we'll have protest songs.
Those of you who want to join with me in my Jicama Jihad, we will meet on the Harvest Moon, in the Produce Section of our local grocery. We will have a Sit-In amongst our injured brothers: the Wilted Lettuce, The Bruised Tomatoes, The Cverripe Bananas. We will sing our songs and hold hands and sway while we're doing it, and then maybe we'll chant or meditate or something new-agey like that. Then, when we have secured the freedom of our vegetable friends, we'll go to the meat department and pick up some steaks and chicken, and go barbeque them in front of some PETA members house. And maybe we'll try to rename "kittens" as
Land-Fish," and serve them up with lemon pepper and a side of melted butter. Bon Appetit!