Posted by
Arik on Friday, October 09, 2009 9:55:02 PM
I hear mumblings that the BaseBall Writers of America are going to give this year's Cy Young Awards, for both leagues, to Barack Obama, for his masterful pitching at the All-Star Game. Though the Opening-Day-Starter-in-Chief appeared to not quite make the plate, bouncing the pitch in to Albert Pujols, his performance was enough to inspire every pitcher, from the Major League all the way down to Little League, to practice harder, to become better, as one day they, too, might be able to bounce a ceremonial first pitch to a first baseman playing catcher.
Beyond that, I hear the City of Pittsburgh is going to dedicate both their Lomabardi Trophy and Stanley Cup wins to Obama, for bringing so much publicity and notice to the city via the G20 Summit, even if most of it was coverage of the Socialists rioting in the streets. (Off-topic: Why DID the Anti-Capitalists riot in the streets at this summit? They were protesting a bunch of leaders from highly socialized nations, and one who wants to socialize his own.)
There's a possibilty, I hear, that the Heisman Trophy is going to be renamed the Obama Trophy, and be awarded each year to Obama by the best college football player in the nation. I know Obama doesn't play football, but isn't it obvious that, if he did, he would easily be the best player ever to play the game? That's why he's the AP NFL offensive and Defensive Player of the Week this week, and every week.
He's certainly a shoo-in for the Nextel Cup, having turned all of those Bitter and Clinging Rednecks into civilized, sophisticated little socialists. Surely that makes up for the fact that he's never actually entered a NASCAR race, much less won one.
And, wow, next year's Triple Crown looks like it will be completed, for the first time since Secretariat. It may seem a bit absurd, Obama being the Triple Crown wimmer when he isn't even a horse, but hey, is that really any more absurd than him winning this year's Nobel Peace Prize, when his only real accomplishments on the Peace front have been watching North Korea test missles, letting Iran edge closer to membership in the Nuclear Club, setting up terrorists in time shares in the Carribean, and yammering on and on about how great it is that a people as backward and ignorant as the Citizens of the United States could elect a man so obviously higher than themselves on the evolutionary timescale?
In fact, he is eminently more qualified for the Pulitzer than I am, as I have actually written all of the words I am taking credit for. No Ted Kaczynski ghostwriting for me. Alas.